I said I was going to process stuff the next few days so here are my thoughts on last night….
Everyone has breakdown moments. It’s a part of life and our journey. It’s not an “if” these moments will happen it’s a “when”. And based on where you are at in your journey you may be in that moment… just had that moment or will have it around the corner. It is the rhythm of life. Death, sickness, cancer, desires and longings not being met, expectations left short, struggles, contemplations… they will all happen and keep happening in the lives that we live.
So when Chris compared peoples lives as sometimes having a plate of chocolate cake on it or a plate that is bare, the subject it was bitter sweet for me because currently I would say that on my plate is chocolate cake. And it’s a good and wonderful place to be. So it made me reflect to the last time my plate was bare. It was good to remember some of those times last night because it reminded me of when you trust God He will and can make beauty out of shear brokenness.
My last bare plate time was about 2 yrs ago when I was laying prostrate on the floor… with the gut crys of wanting more children but feeling like God was not listening. And if I were to not be able to birth more children I was begging God in those moments to take the desire away. Because the desire was real, and was burdening me with the outlook of not much hope.
As I reflected on that time last night… the memories are so much still there and I can even feel the pain of those times. It was a very hard time where I went to God with so many questions not knowing if I would get answers and not knowing where the road would lead for me. But I am glad I asked those questions and at the end of the day I am glad that regardless of what my circumstances were or were to be that I fully trusted God with my heart, my family, and my future family. And as hope was restored in my life through the conception and birth of Izzie…as it played out that way, I often go back to those times and ponder on them and in some ways as crazy as this is… miss them because it was a time in my life where God was so near. He was with me every moment of the journey. Not that He’s not with me now but it’s in the depths of being Broken that often we find God so near to us.
So as last night went on and as a community of people it was bitter sweet for me to be in a room with people who are good and people who are fully broken. It’s never anyone’s desire to see broken people who have such real and current struggles but it is so good to be in community with them because it constantly reminds me that God is active and that He is near.
I only hope that when my next broken moment comes… and it will come… that I will continue to keep asking God questions and keep trusting him in the process. Knowing that he hates our broken moments in life but He can and will use those moments and restore them and bring meaning and purpose out of each and every one.