Yesterday I celebrated my 32nd birthday. It was a great day. My husband planned a whole weekend of celebration with different pockets of people. So it was a wonderful time.
Today Wayfarer started a 3 day service at our church. I’ve been really anticipating this time not because I am involved and work for wayfarer but because I really feel God has been preparing me up till today. Here comes gut honest time for me I guess. And in blog land that can either be looked at as good or bad. But if I can be gut level open and honest then maybe if someone can get a quick glimpse into me then maybe what I am going through may in some way help them. And or people will just read me wrong or read into things that are word typed and not verbally expressed… and be left with an innacurat opinion of me.
But for the sake of being real and genuine…. I want to try and attempt to process what’s been going on in this head of mine. I’m going to try and do that over the journey of these next few days and maybe make some sense out of things.
A core thing that I am going through is being misunderstood. I’m sure this happens most of the time becuase I am a very hard person to get to know. I hate that about myself. In my head I’m just the little girl standing on the corner looking for someone to pass by and strike up conversation but in reality I am seeing more and more how yes I am the little girl on the corner but I’ve placed a rather large plant right in front of me so no one actually knows I am there and waiting to say hi. And I realize that more and more everyday and I really hate that about myself. It’s really funny because at the core of me, lies a very non-confident, insecure person. And most times I think just the opposite of me is perceived. I’ve been told so… so I am not making that up. But if you really knew me like very few people do, you would know my struggles with rejection and how that has played a theme in my life and has distorted my thoughts on friendships, relationships and people in general. And in turn I have begun to realize how much of a wall I have that surrounds my heart towards people and letting them into who I really am. Because in the end I guess they will always find a reason to reject me. So working through all of that is hard and tough. Especially when you do attempt to let down your walls and still get parts of your life handed to you. So it’s been an interesting time for me to say the least. But I wanted to be vulnerable in that to say that I am really trying to open myself up more and risk being loved by people even thought I am not perfect and people are not perfect and I am for sure setting myself up for rejection from time to time.
So the series of “un-Breakable” started today. I’ve been rather clueless to what it was going to be all about. It was just last night where Dave gave me just a few hints on the direction he was heading today. So when the thoughts and concepts finally unraveled this morning I was rather surprised how close it has hit to home and how much the Lord has been preparing my heart to hear what was said today and what will be said these next few days.
What has hit me most today as I do some much needed time of reflection is that at the core of God’s heart is for us to know Him and when our true religion easily becomes false superstition we end up missing the heart of God. The concept of me dealing with opening myself up to people who will and may not handle me as fragile as I need to be handled or who may altogether reject me… hit home when Dave shared today how God has made that same risk with us. He has risked daring to get up close and personal and He has risked being vulnerable with us. He is risking getting rejected himself. He gets involved emotionally. All things I”ve know and heard about God time and time again but today it really found it’s way making that truth to my heart. So if God can risk that with me… can’t I keep trying to do that in the current relationships that I have and the ones that will follow? And to perceive and comprehend that the cry of God’s heart towards me is to be in a passionate pursuit of me just sits there because I see the risk involved because I have risked that with other people only to find myself hurt.
So I’ve got some hard ground in my life that needs to be plowed and sifted through. As the picture presented today of looking at an orange and knowing that I have been that unpeeled orange for so long. I really want to be unpeeled and exposed. It’s not always fun being exposed. You learn and become aware of a lot of things about yourself that you hoped were not going to be true about you. I think that biggest wake-up call for me has been lately seeing people with the same personality that I have… seeing them and being annoyed by them and their ways but realizing that who they are and the things that can so sorely stick out to me are the same exact things that other people see when they look at me. The self realization of discovering my true self as I am perceived is a big wake up call to me. I’ll be honest…it’s an ugly site. And if you know me… be patient with me and if you don’t… don’t be so quick to jump to conclusions.
So for tonight and the next few days here is my cry:
Lord, you know I am prone to wander… BUT I am peeling my heart back because I want you to be my one thing. I want to be brave enough to deal with my past rejection so that my relationships and future relationships will be as rich as you have intended them to be. May you give me the courage to look at the core of my heart and allow you to begin the process of revealing the things that need to leave and restore the things that need restoring. It’s worth every risk.
I cannot tell you how proud I am of you. It is a huge step, for you especially, I know, to take the GIANT step into the unknown of yourself. Just know that I meant what I said when I told you I’m not going anywhere, and I think what that really means, is when all the pieces fall apart (which they must in order to be put back, or sifted through) I will be there to stroke your hair and tell you that you will get through this! I love you
(btw: Went to Newspring today, make sure you listen to the podcast, I’m sure you will though! Totally compliments Dave’s talk.)
This idea of becoming broken and vulnerable with the Lord really struck a cord in me as well. It’s often easy to come before the Lord with all the “this is what I need” vulnerability, and yet so difficult to accept what the Lord gives back in return. The Lord is revealing this defensive spirit in me that when he gives (and it isn’t what I wanted or expected) I can often reject that gift. Which, as we all know, leads to more issues until we accept what the Lord knew we needed to begin with. I will be praying for you as you are also in this journey of examining yourself. Praying that you would be willing to move the “plant” aside and step out of the corner. Blessings be upon you on this journey.
Ah, yes… I hated to be so blunt. It’s risky but as you know and have known… I’ve already headed down that road just a little bit to make me want to turn back. But I am sure I’ll keep going…. I think! 🙂
Sarah – It was good to see you Sunday AM! Thanks for sharing. Here’s to being vulnerable together!