A year ago today Izzie was born. I can’t believe it has been a year already. As I reflect on her today and her precious little life I can’t help but be reminded constantly of the symbol she represents to me. The reason for her name. Pure laughter. Here is the blog I quickly wrote right after her delivery.
Izzie Kate Rhodes is Here So sorry it has been so long… We don’t have email at home so had to make it back to the office.Well she is here.
Born on November 11, 2006 at 11:55PM
She was 7lbs, 13 oz and 19 1/2 in
I went into labor that Friday early Saturday morning at 5am. Got to 7CM around 5Pm and stayed there for 5 hrs. They told me that they would need to do a C-Section…. She ended up being face up or down… whatever the wrong way is and would not drop.
After much panic and anxiety I decided to go ahead with it… A nightmare to say the least. Whoever says having a C-section is easier than a natural delivery is full of crap. They did 3 spinal blocks that did not work and then finally another epidural that did… Most tramatic thing I’ve been through…I kept telling them I could feel things!
I am two weeks from all that and still trying to recover. I’ll keep you more updated later but wanted you all to know she was here!
Very sleep deprived!
OK, so I am not referring to her delivery as pure laughter. I am more referring to the discovery that I was pregnant as pure laughter. As I reflect on the past few years, I would have to say that journeying through the desires of physically having more children and the realities of the high chances we could not was something so personally hard to walk through. When we had decided that we had done everything on our end that we were willing to do and really coming to a forced closer on the matter, for us it was a true miracle that she then would be conceived. This journey had and has been one of the most defining spiritual times of my life. I learned so much from the start of this desire in December 2004… then over 2 years of fertility treatments and multiple friends finding themselves pregnant…. to the surprise news we were finally expecting ourselves. I just read back through my old blogs during the time of surrender when we were closing the door only to be awakened to the blessing of God. Enjoy. Happy birthday Izzie. Every time I look at you I am reminded of a God who provides.
Journal entry’s during this time of closure:
February 2, 2006
Time and Timing
The other night I was at Engage (see www.engagegod.org) and something really resonated with me… I’ve probably heard it before but it was like the first time this made sense to me. We were talking about God’s timing in our lives for things… For partners, for careers, for family. Right now I’ve been struggling with the whole fertility thing. I mean I trust God and I know he has my best interest at heart but it’s hard when he places such strong desires like having more children in your heart but yet each time you get close to filling those desires.. It’s not time, Nothing is happening.
You know I have realized that we have got to release our concept of time. I NEVER wanted my kids to be more than 4 years apart. My sister and I were 4 years a part and I swore to myself that when I had kids that I would never do that to them. We always have and still do struggle with our relationship and closeness… So now that I have a 3 1/2 year old and no future children in sight I get so angry that time is not going my way.
What I have to trust is that even though I can’t understand time I’ve got to trust God’s timing for my life. It is so much easier said than done. So hear is to embracing God’s timing for my life and here is me releasing the burden of time……
February 15, 2006
I think I’ve made it there….
Do you ever have a situation in your life where things are not going too well and you wonder how you’ll ever be ok? How you will ever just have peace from things? How will the nagging aches and pains that rivet your heart ever begin to heal? These journey’s sometimes are months or years.. even lifetimes. So you are all sick of hearing about the fertility thing… well so am I but that is where I am at right now so that is what I write about. Check back in a few years from now and it will certainly be the same passion about something entirely different.
So I think I’ve made it there. To the place of total surrender. If you are a believer you know what these types of Faith Journey’s can be like. I feel partially scared to put that on paper but I think it’s an important accomplishment of mine. To be able to proclaim that and at the end of the day feel ok and safe. It has been a long journey…..
As I went to bed last night my heart sang… God is Good and he’s got good stuff in store for me and my family. I’ve been praying for about a year now that God would heal me. I’ve seen people be healed and I’ve seen Him work . But the realization is that I have not been healed physically but he’s healed my soul. He’s taken my thinking to a whole other level. It’s amazing how much your conception of things can affect your attitude.
I can’t describe to you the process… because I don’t really understand it completely. I just understand now that God really is Good. And that if my plans of what I think I WANT are not being met, Maybe it’s because that is not what our Family NEEDS. Maybe in his goodness there is a child out there so destined to be part of our family that all these things have taken place.
I’m excited about tomorrow… and living hard today!
March 1, 2006:
Wrestling with God
For those of you who don’t know me very well… I have the great opportunity to attend a weekly gathering called Engage here in the Upstate of South Carolina. It really has been a molding point for me. There is great relevant truth spoken there and it really helps me in this journey that I call life.
Last night the whole topic was… Why can’t I get my life under control? If God is a God who is in control then why does he not seem to have control over my life in the situations that we encounter everyday. This whole concept really cut very close to home for me.
Once again here goes the fertility blurb…tune out if you need to! We just got news this past week that there is nothing more that the Dr’s can do for me to help my cause of having more children. We have come to the end of the rope. That is a hard thing to face head on. I love to have control over situations. I am a planner by nature. And when you come to a crisis in life where you just don’t have any control over and you can’t plan your way out of it you really start asking the tuff God questions.
I don’t understand why we have to come to closure in this area of our lives. I certainly would not choose to have it play out this way. But at the end of the day I just can’t be angry at God. Yes, I don’t understand why I have seen Him bless other people in a variety of situations and I feel like my cries fall on deaf ears. I with my whole heart want to receive his blessing and healing. But even if He chooses not to, which is where I find myself right now in life, I still choose to trust Him. He really is worth it.
If you have time read the story of Jacob in the bible. He was the one that wrestled with God. And in the end he chose to hold on to God and not let him go. And God took his name Jacob which means heal grabber and changed it to Israel. You see our God is a God who restores people in all situations in life. My name right now is Barren and I want so badley for him to change my name. I hate that we live in a broken world. It really sucks and because of it, people have to deal with so much crap in their lives. But the good thing for you and me is that you don’t have to let that crap define who you are. You can choose to take the brokenness and see beauty from it.
At the end of the night last night we received a blessing. A normal custom at Engage. I want to share this with you. Maybe somewhere in your journey this will minister to you. It certainly has been the cry of my heart this last month. I want to wrestle with God. I want to ask the hard questions. And at the end of the day I’ll be clinching Him close. I won’t let go. He’s all I have.
To all of those who have been catching at heels trying to take control of the front story of your lives–May the painful pleasure of the place called Penile become your most valued treasure. May you know what it feels like be gripped by, tugged at and pulled on as the Creator of the Universe comes so close that He actually lays hands on you. And may this wrestling match be not some fleeting fancy of passing experience but may this struggle become the true source of who you know yourself be—no longer Jacob (heel catcher) but Israel (one who struggles with God and overcomes). So, when God takes you by surprise—Hold on with fists clinched tight refusing to let go until He blesses you. And if he touches your hip, know that your limp will be worth the look that you find in His face.
In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit—Amen
Go in peace