I am a walking Zombie and I feel so selfish for even saying that.  My child is ok and for now being cared for but I can’t seem to move on or attempt to sober up for that matter.  Countless people have died and are dying and in need of help and I can’t seem to get it together.  I don’t want to talk to people, I don’t want to clean up our living space, my kids I think since Tuesday have been eating chips for breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Dave wonders what happened to his wife and I’m asking the same question.  I got out this morning and put make up on my face and slammed a few tennis balls but It’s only a facade.  Inside I’m distraught and can’t really articulate anything more.   

I was with these ladies on Sunday in Orlando..we ran in the Disney Marathon and Half Marathon to raise money for Haiti and now three of them have been in the midst of all that is going on.  Just got word tonight that Kristen(in the green) and Erin(in the stripes)  who went to Haiti after the race to visit their children are at the US Embassy in Haiti awaiting a flight out tonight or tomorrow.  Tara on the end lives in Haiti and is there right now  and Jamie to my left is waiting on her son Amos to come home and is in TX.  All of us ladies pictured are in the adoption process right now. All of our children are safe.  Praise the Lord! I still  just feel in shock of the happenings of the past 48 hours.  

I think and I know that it is very selfish not to be able to get past yourself. I’m just having a hard time.  And added to the massive weight of what has happened in Haiti we’ve got so much other things going on as well and life well just keeps coming and won’t slow down.  

BUT… itsnt’ there always a BUT.  I have been BLOWN away by the care and concern of people.  Even if I’m despondent I still can’t believe how supportive SO MANY people have been.  I’ve often wondered in the past if I died would really anyone care or miss my presence and through this awful tragedy I realized many many people would.  I can’t believe those of you who have emailed, texted or FB to tell our family you are thinking of us.  I’ll never forget.  

I feel useless…helpless…pissed….mad…sad…heartbroken…you name it I feel it.  My heart is BROKEN for the people of Haiti.  Just Broken.  My heart has felt things it should never have to feel for Frankie.  He is alive and for now safe but now there will be shortage of food and water and the disease with the dead bodies and my huge selfishness wants him here right now. There are people there that are watching and taking care of the children John who runs heartline said in his latest email that “We as well have a responsibility to our incredible workers who still are coming to care for our children, in spite of some having lost their homes, family members, friends and neighbors.  Yet they come because they love the children.” I cried when I read that.  I know Frankie is in good hands.  Those nannies LOVE those children. And of course It’s still hard  because it’s not me and I’m not there to shelter him from the potential coming dangers.  I want him to know that I would do anything to show him personal love and attention and care.  He might not know that is missing but I know and it’s KILLING me.  

I”ve posted on Facebook lots so follow me there…. but if you have any inkling to give money to the relief effort in Haiti I am begging..begging..begging you to give to where Frankie is.  They have people there in the midst of things and they need MONEY right now more than anything.  And if you want to give to other organizations as well please do that too…. You can find the link to give here.  

I found this picture tonight on Facebook.  It’s the kids sleeping outside.  One of these children is Frankie. I wish I could figure out which one he is.  But they all look like they are sleeping peacefully and for that I am grateful.  They are in a safe secure area and for that I’m so thankful.  I just keep praying and praying for the people in Haiti.  My kids beg me to get off the computer but I can’t.  I’m in a hole and I’ll admit it.  I wonder when I’ll feel life back in me.  It just seems odd to go about my day as normal.  Nothing feels normal.  I’ll never be able to get back to all of your amazing messages.  THANK YOU.  

 I’ll close with what John who runs Heartline posted as of latest….   

HEARTLINE UPDATE

We will tonight have about 15 people sleeping at our house as some simply have lost their homes and for others it is not safe to return because of structural damage.

We are starting to see people on the streets with their mouth and nose covered with a cloth or a mask as the stench of death is beginning to hang in the air.  In our particular area it is not as bad as some places where bodies are stacked on the side of the road and still buried in rubble.  Today as I was on the road, I was passed by a police pickup truck that was stacked with dead bodies.

I will not post any pictures of this and I assure you that a photo can not  communicate the pain and despair that so many are feeling as we are now entering the days of discovery.  These are the days when people discover that their homes have been destroyed or some of their missing friends, neighbors, and family have been killed. And some discover the joy of having found loved ones.

Some of the comments I have had spoken to me today by people that we are involved with are:

• I have had many friends die.
• Most of the houses in my area have been destroyed.
• My house has been destroyed
• I have no place to live and sleep; I am on the street.
• I can’t find my…
• I can’t believe the widespread destruction.
• My area has the bad smell of death.
• I have lost everything

One of our security guards can’t even talk as he has lost his voice due to the shock of losing so many in his neighborhood.

HEARTLINE

My priority is the care of the children and the well being our other missionary families and of our workers.

The children are well and being cared for at the Buxman’s home, where they are basically living outside as the children’s homes are not yet secure.  We are working to secure them but it is slow going as we can’t even remove the rubble as there are no trucks on the road to cart away the debris and we also are not able to get supplies such as sand, rock, cement, steel as there are no trucks to transport the materials here and we do not have the cash to pay for the supplies.  We have money in the bank, but we have no access to it as the banks are closed.

We as well have a responsibility to our incredible workers who still are coming to care for our children, in spite of some having lost their homes, family members, friends and neighbors.  Yet they come because they love the children.

We also have a responsibility to the women in our women’s program, who as it is live desperate lives.  They are starting to trickle into the women’s center with stories of having lost much or all that they had.

We expect to spend tens of thousands of dollars to have those who are directly involved with Heartline to  rebuild their tiny one to two room homes or to help them secure new homes.

So many want to come and help but at this point it is not possible for you to get here and the best thing that you could do is to donate to help Heartline help others.  It will be days perhaps until we have access to money You may press here or here to donate.  Your generosity will help to help those who are so desperate.  These are people that we personally know and are involved with regularly.  Please imagine and multiply it over and over again, a woman with 5 children, no husband, and now no place to live. YOUR HELP MATTERS.

If you have written to me and I have not responded, please forgive me as I have been extremely busy.

I have received numerous requests from news organization to comment on the situation but have decided not to do so as many are already talking about what is happening here.

Thank you for your love, care, concern, and prayers.

We are doing our best to stay encouraged and to honor God by working hard to make a difference.

Endeavoring to be the hands of Christ in Haiti,

John McHoul