I was driving down I-85 a while back in our vehicle.  It’s our main vehicle meaning, it’s the car we rely on and depend upon.  It’s newer thus the feeling of security that we won’t have major breakdowns.  Driving on a very normal day all of a sudden out of the blue it decides to just shut down.  No warning lights, no signs that this might be coming, just plain on decides to stop running. Brilliant.  Great.  Just Jolly.

That can really annoy you.  Especially when it’s not something you could have ever expected and you kind of get sideswiped realizing that apparently there is a problem thus the breakdown but what could it be?   So you have to get it looked at to be fixed.  You must decide, do you take it to the dealer where they know how to fix it and know you’ll pay out the bank for it or take it to someone who you think could fix it for half the cost but not really knowing if it will really get fixed?  Either way it has to be fixed and you’ve got to pay the price.  It takes forever to find a someone because it’s so hard to really be able to find people you trust to not screw you over.

The car you think and hope gets fixed and you feel things are going ok.  Sure now you have some knowledge of what just happened and know it could happen again but you pray and hope the car will last a long time without further emptying of the wallets.  And then all it takes is a warning light that comes on that says “check engine” and you are paralysed in fear knowing that something once again is wrong and once again there will be a cost. 

And then on a random day, even though the warning light is still on you happen to drive over a nail and it leaves you on the side of the road. Too much to handle at this point and thus the personal breakdown comes.  Darn car.  Worthless piece of crap metal.  And it’s now not even about the car anymore.  It’s about the meer fact that you are constantly having to deal with the car.  And then you sit shocked at your reaction to something so little but that something little brings down the walls of your house and all comes folding in.  Dumb, stupid, unpredictable cars.  Nothing is safe.  Nothing is dependable, Nothing is reliable.  You realize you are not alone when you sit in a room and stare into faces that have been right where you have been.  Humbling but you are not alone.

So I was thinking this morning about my life this past year and the struggles and blessings that have randomly come.  And I think about cars.  Yeah, it must just be something in the family.  My dad works for Acura so we get to talk about cars a lot.

I”ve been in a season in life where there really are no words.  It’s not one thing, but MANY things. Many very different things.  Which is the strange dynamic of it all.  So if you are reading this and think you can pin point something like “oh I know what she’s talking about… that must be it.” Then stop, because it’s really not it, it’s not one thing. 

I say I’m fine all the time.  Those are just words.  I’m not fine and I’ve come to understand that I may live my entire life like that and that is ok.  I was talking with a friend the other day saying that I know God is Trustworthy… I trust His heart but I really have a hard time trying to trust His Hand.  And Sometimes  I don’t feel He cares and that I could really use some people right now to show that He’s there and He does care.  And the whole above rant can be bottled up because God is not silent to those who choose to call on His name.  He may not answer like you want him to but he does respond.  Looking back over the past 4 weeks I’ve seen him choose to bless me in little and big ways… bless our family and in those gifts of blessing I am constantly understanding this little life of ours a little more.  Those blessings came in the physical form of bread, pots and pans, paper tickets, currency, a no charge on a bill, free samples, texts of love, a unexpeded candle, a word spoken.

I’ve had to surrender a lot this past year.  Some days things make perfect sense.  Other days they make no sense at all.  I’ve asked many questions and have received many answers.  At the end of the day life is messy… I am messy, people are messy… His people are messy…. and learning to live in that mess is really doable, it just takes a lot of work.  Again Crap and Blessings, either way He wins.  And for that I know I’ll make it.

I really don’t believe that there is only one specific way God can use you.  I believe he wants to take your passions and zest for life and maximize them for his greatest potential in Kingdom work.  You may make great success, or you may always just get by but either way you win.  Life is not about YOU or ME getting props for what goes good or what goes bad.  It’s about living a life surrendered and trusting God’s Heart enough to be ok with the outcome.

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