I talk about the journey a lot.  Maybe sometimes too much.  To the point where I am wondering if I devalue what it really is?  The journey… so worth it but the paths we walk are not always so certain and the journey is not always full of fun and fulfilment.  I dare say most of the time it’s full of wondering, questions, and why’s.

I am lucky.  I do not walk it alone, where some do.  I have this amazing man, husband, and life partner who holds my hand as we go along.  I often stop along the way and he does not let go but keeps pulling.  Or when I say I just need a break, he stops and sits and listens.  And then when I question the path we are on and if we should have taken the other road a ways back because the current path seems to not look right, he looks at me with such certainty and says we are on the right road.  I trust him.  His words ease my fears for the moment and we continue to walk.  We walk this journey that changes all the time.  At times the storms come and make it hard for us to see.  At times we get lucky and have this “amazing Chicago day” as we like to call it.  A day the city has not seen in 60+ years.  We walk.  And at times I can’t hear the Fathers voice for my own, I look to Dave when I know he has heard and I trust.

I’m a flawed person.  I’m full of major insecurity, doubt, questions about myself and about life.  I stink at relationships among many things.  I carry a lot of baggage from being brought up in the church as a pastors daughter.  I would  love to say that it allowed me to see people struggle with faith and end up at their best.  For me in my life it allowed me to see most people hardley struggle who said they loved God.   I was able to see them and how many choose to love people at their worst.  I take that into almost every relationship and situation that I face in my journey.  It’s baggage that is a part of me that I try to hard to push aside.  And 33 years later I still have to force myself to try and make myself believe that I can trust people to not love me at their worst.  I’ve made great strides but I am flawed.

It’s a mystery to me.  This journey.  But I will trust, even when I don’t understand or can’t see what tomorrow may look like.  I wil trust even when the hand that holds mine is uncertain as well.

Per the words of Aaron Ivey in his new CD.  (It’s been really ministering to me)

Beautiful Mystery.

The Sovereign Lord, will be my strength
Beautiful mystery
Through the suffering and loss, your mercy remains
I will trust in thee

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