frankie-may-2-09-a

frankie-may-2-09

I’ve been cleaning like a mad woman. Dave is gone this weekend and it’s just me and the girls. And I keep on cleaning. Then I just had a meltdown. Crying, internal heart breaking. Just got on facebook and saw pictures above taken of Frankie today. This was him in his day today May 2nd, 2009. As I wiped another blind there he is and in an outfit I bought him. Yesterday 2 couples adopting from Heartline went to Haiti to visit their precious kids. These are the same people I was with this past January on my trip to see Frankie. Today they are back visiting again. I’m so thrilled they are there. Spending time with our kids is priceless. I just have this huge gasp in my heart that is irrational at best I know but today, Frankie is seeing all the same people that were there when he last saw me and I can’t shake the fact that I’m not there for him. Like he’s looking for me and I’m not there. I know he’s 2 and he probably has no clue that I’m missing but I just can’t shake it. I just “want” him to know that we love him. That he has a mom and dad and sisters who don’t ever escape a day without saying his name. Dave and I are hoping to get to see him this fall. But for today I once again have underestimated the rawness of the wait. Waiting. What is the definition of that word anyway? Today for me it’s the deep inner longing of something that you can’t attain. I grieve too. I grieve the moments I am missing. I grieve seeing his journey in pictures. Pictures, a priceless gift yet the reminder of a grieving heart. Frankie as you can see above is happy. He’s safe, secure, loved, well taken care of. I just long for the day that our family is providing all those things for him each day. We knew from day one that this journey would be long. I get that. But I’m still getting the waiting thing. I don’t think I’ve figured it out yet.

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