Ok so for the past month or so now I’ve been cleaning out the closets. I am sure you are wondering what I mean by that. Well yes I am actually cleaning out my bedroom closet. Getting rid of clothes I never wear etc. But I have also been cleaning out my life closet as well. The thing is, when you clean out your closets… some things need to go because you realize they look bad on you etc. but then you have to sort through some really good things as well and realize they are just not worth hanging on to. It’s great stuff but it needs to find a new home in order for better stuff to come in. So that is where I have been. I’ve dealt with some old stuff lately that I needed to get rid of but I’ve also worked through some of the good things too and realized it’s time for me to move some of that stuff out too. Maybe that has been why the lack of posts. It gets kind of scary when people read what you write and make assumptions by the way you happen to express yourself. Sometimes I think that happens with me. The whole assumptions thing. People think they know me because they look at me from a distance or they read some words floating out there on cyberspace but they don’t know me. There are only a handful of people that truly know me. And at the end of the day that is what matters to me. So if I may… here are some very random closet cleaning thoughts. Take them for what they are worth. Some good, some bad, some stuff just moving on. Bottom line. These are my opinions on a life I’m living.
I’ve realized lately how insecure I can be. How I struggle with confidence in myself. Sometimes my lack of fighting back is because it’s not worth my effort to make people feel like I am a person of control. Why is that so important to some people? Anyway, through some processing I’ve started to gain a backbone. I’m going to be more confident in what I say and how I express myself. I am a strong woman of God.
I just got back from the Catalyst conference last week. Still processing all of that stuff. It was great on a multitude of fronts. In ways I was so humbled to walk by the side of my husband who is an introvert by nature. I can’t tell you how many people stopped us to say hello. I guess after 7 years of ministering to churches in a variety of venues… people start knowing who you are. To me it was such a joy to sit back and realize what our family does is worth it. We are impacting lives and we are having amazing opportunities to share our message with people. I don’t say that in pride I say that out of a heart who is amazed that God truly can use the most ordinary people to impact this world. We are proof of that. Catalyst was also great because I was able to be challenged by a multitude of people. After hearing the message at Catalyst I left very disturbed in life. But that is a good thing.
If one more person asks if I am pregnant I’m not sure what I’ll do. Yes it still happens and has happened twice in the last three weeks. I live under the assumption that it will keep happening. It makes for the most awkward situations. If I don’t know the person then I’ll just smile and when they say congrats I say thanks and if I happen to know them… well lets just say how awkward it is. Bottom line, my ab muscles are permanently separated and I tend to show a belly if I’ve eaten a big meal. As weird as it is to be asked if I’m expecting, it has started to remind me how thankful I am that I have a pot belly. It really is the best trade off in the entire world. How can I dwell on it when the reality is that it has brought me such a blessing in my life. I’ll be forever grateful.
There are so many things I feel like I need to be doing.. the whole croc thing and then there are all these people that the Lord has layed on my heart to help. It’s frustrating when your days are slammed and it seems you never get started on these desires. Dave recently reminded me that there is a season for everything. Just because God has prompted my heart to start thinking about certain things does not mean that I have to have them done tomorrow. I may not see those things play out in my life for months even years. All that to say, I’ve experienced much freedom in knowing that it’s ok to wait on some of these things and I’m not failing myself or what I feel God is leading me to do because of that.
It’s hard being a working mom, even if it’s a part time working mom. But I would not trade it for the world. I love my girls but I for our family our relationship works so much better because I can get out and work at the things God is calling me to do. Being a mom is one of those things but getting to play a role in Kingdom work is one too. If I was not working at Wayfarer I know I’d be working for some other ministry out there. It’s a big way I feel I contribute. I’m the lucky one. I’ve never struggled with my purpose or calling in life. Before kids or after. I am realizing what a hurdle that can be for other people at times and I’m thankful that it has not been one for me.
With that said, I wish I liked to cook or had time to cook. That is one thing I don’t ever think I will get passionate about. I have friends that can cook… they could open their own place. That is just not me. It’s amazing the stresses that can bring on when your husband walks through the door from work and asks whats for dinner and I just stare at him and say… “not sure! ” I guess if you have to have one week spot in your marriage it’s a good one to have.
Talking about marriage… Not my place to brag but I am so thankful for what I think is one of the best things about life. Dave and I have a wonderful marriage. I realize more and more how uncommon that is becoming. Our marriage is great because we work really hard at it. Well we don’t work that hard at it so I guess we are the lucky ones. I am convinced that if two people truly decide to embrace life together. Embrace mission, passion and calling that your journey has this stronger adhesive. I think honestly it is because our driving force is more than going to work, having kids, eating dinner, and then do that all over again. I mean there has to be more right? Again just my opinion but Dave and I are not ones who fight for our personal agendas or make sure we one up each other. We are a team and we are living life with purpose. And we are not unique. I know so many others who do the same. And here is the deal. We still have our own identity’s but the majority of our identity is found in us both as a team. I’m not a weak person because of that. I’m a better person.
Emma is calling for bed. So many more randoms to go… later when there is time.