please know that as you read this post i will never be able to do it justice.

less than twelve months ago i was a mom of two bio kids.
today i have three bio and one adopted.

it did not come easy.
i will not lie and say i did not toss and turn about it.
i prayed and prayed for timing for us and for the child.
i asked God to make me willing.
i asked God to open my heart.

i went to Haiti.
with my own two eyes “i saw”.
i saw so much beauty, pain, but all came wrapped in need.
my heart was so open i left wounded.
i wanted to run somewhere and pretend i had not seen such life.
i wanted to forget stories i heard.
i wanted to forget eyes that looked at me with hope.

as much as i wanted to.
i chose to not.

i came home and tossed and turned some more.
a lot more.

i thought of the boy i met.
i thought of what would be best for him.
i thought of the babies i carried.
i thought of the sound of roosters.
i thought of the sound of children laughing.
i thought of the lady i met on a random walk lifting her shirt to show me her hungry belly…
who next handed me her baby…
i thought of how my heart was just handed to me.
i thought about how weak i am.
i thought about how our life was in a good place.
i thought about how our kids were happy.
i thought about how i was happy.
i thought about all the obstacles.
i thought about how we would never get the money.
i thought our families would not accept it.
i thought adoption would be too hard.
i thought it might tear our family apart.
i thought i might not be a good adoptive mom.
i thought i might not love him like i should.

i thought about it a lot.

then one day.
licia posted about the need she had for a family to do some water walking.
she needed someone to adopt the little boy we loved, ronel.
i thought i wanted to be that family.
after so much time thinking it became so simple.
we have love, we have a house, we are a family, we can be his family.
all of my fears were subsided in that moment.

yes, we will do it.
yes.
yes, we will give this one boy a family.
yes, we can do that.

i chose to adopt because God opened my heart.

my wish is that every family would choose to adopt.
i know that cannot happen.
and probably should not. (although, i struggle with that)
but can you imagine if we all did.

singles, newly marrieds, marrieds with young children, married with older children,
empty nesters…

we might see a world that would have more love than greed.
we might.

i will not lie and say that adoption has been easy.
ronel has been home for less than a year.
it has been a hard year.
we have had easy circumstances and it is still hard.
we have never felt more financial strain.
we have never had fewer date nights.
we have never been more alone.
we have never had to give so much.

BUT…

this is what loving like Jesus is, right?
sacrifice?

what i have read about him was raw and hard and honest and hard and raw.
he loved so much that he literally died so that i could have life.
all i did was invite this little boy to live in our already life.

our life was not meant to be easy.
it was not meant to be about us.
that is just what the American Dream tries to sell us.
actually life was meant to be shared, to be given.
this crazy hard season is life.
we have never served another more.
this is ministry.
the kind you don’t get paid for. the kind that people don’t see.

all of this has been desperately weighing on my heart.
and sitting on my tongue.
i want to share so much about my feelings toward adoption.
it is just so close to my heart that i keep it guarded.
and by close, i mean raw.

tonight my emotions are raw enough to say this…

the orphans of the world…
they need families to do some water walking.
is it your turn to step out of the boat?