(First time to see an elephant. I asked Frankie before bed about his favorite part of the day. He said, elephant and monkey. He loved the zoo today)
Dave has been out of town this weekend so I’m on my first big run with being the mother of 3 and holding down the casa. I feel like I’ve got 10 blogs in me but I’ve still yet to sit and get my thank you’s written let alone be able to document all the things I feel I should share with you all at some point. Maybe one day that kind of time will be there but I doubt it. I sure would like to tell you about how all the roses smell around here, (and we do have roses sitting on the table right now) but the reality is so much different. I think it’s important to be transparent on this journey. SO MANY people have followed our story and I think it’s only fair to share the whole story and not color it certain ways so that it looks different than what it really is. The reality is that everyone has been doing so well except for maybe me. It’s not that I’m not doing well it’s just that I think I’ve been the one person who has been most effected by all the changes that have happened in our lives. Dave is plugging away at work. He’s right in the middle of a very busy spring travel season and so many things happening at Wayfarer that he’s got his plate full. Emma has become a little adult in the past month. She’s taken on a BIG sister role like I never imagined she could. She finds so much joy in it. Izzie has become a little mommy overnight. Not sure if Frankie appreciates having 2 moms right now but she is mothering him in such a tender way. I knew she had it in her but she could have gone either way. Frankie is doing so well. I’m not sure if it’s his age or his personality but he really has stepped into our home and seems to not have missed a beat. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a very active almost 3 year old who is in a home that holds so many new things for him to explore and keeps us on our toes but he is happy, healthy, seems to emotionally handle life like he’s always lived here. I’m so thankful.
Then there is me. I feel like my life has flipped upside down. Not in a good way or not in a bad way but just flipped. I’m a preparer by nature and there was nothing about the past month that I could prepare for. I think a lot of that reality is what really has thrown me off. God has taught me a lot about myself through that as well. Because when you can’t prepare you really have to rely on other people to be there for you and I have had people who sacrificed so much of their time and life and routine to personally help me in my time of need and in that I received such a blessing. So much so that I don’t think and often wonder how I will ever be able to thank them enough. I hate that I was so needy. I don’t like being needy. I felt and still do feel selfish for being that way. Strange I know. Again, learned a lot about myself. And things are getting better. Two weeks ago I wondered how I would ever work again or play tennis or even have some energy or time for Dave at the end of the day when all the kids were in bed. And now as time has shown I am able to start doing those things again and getting back to some of my normal. It won’t ever be the same but it’s a new normal. Some days I feel very confident about our new life and other days I feel very insecure. I question lots of things. Especially my ability to parent or be a good mom. I’ve gone to bed many nights whispering to Dave, “I’m not a good mom.” I know this is not true but it’s been hard for me personally to maneuver through these first weeks with Frankie. There is so much that is new for him and for me that we are learning each other. It’s hard for me to have an outsider look in and see things that are out of my control or question what I am doing.
I say all this because I don’t want you all to think our lives are picture perfect. Not that you do but I think some people think, oh how neat that we did this, whatever “this” is. I don’t feel like we did anything. We just grew our family the way God prompted our hearts to and that has been very normal. It is a huge work in progress. At least that is what we are experiencing. Adoption is a beautiful thing. Something that I really believe has to be birthed in your heart. I look at my son who is sleeping in the room right upstairs right now and it feels like he has always been here. I can’t imagine life without him and it’s been just 4 short weeks. We have had our good days and our not so good days as we all learn each other. There are so many things about life right now that I expected and so many things that I did not. Thus the 10 blogs that one day I’ll have to catch you up on.
I do know that things for me will get better. I’m just in a different place in life right now that for me I really needed to prepare for and did not have that time to feel like I got there. I will arrive. It just takes time. It takes lots of patience as well from the people that love me. And in the meantime, like I said I’m learning a lot about myself and that is always a really good thing.