Wiping tears. That is what I am doing right now.
This week has for some reason been a week of questions for me. Just the other night Dave and I were chatting on facebook. (He’s in his computer downstairs, I’m upstairs… we are engaging in conversation) and I ask the questions people don’t like to admit that I think we all ask at times? At least I hope I’m not the only one that asks them. “Is God real? Did we make this all up? What around me is real/fake? Why do I cringe at the word Christian and how it is represented at times? Does He really love me? It makes no sense at times that He does. Does He really care? This world seems so messed up. People are dying/starving. What am I doing with my life? Really, God are you real… do you really love me?
Dave was quick to remind me at one point in our conversation that… oh just three short years ago I made the comment that I would know God really loved me if He would just allow me to have one more child. That would be one way He could show me. And then He did. Even right now I am wearing a bracelet of a heart that says “I Am” engraved on it. It was a gift from Dave as a symbol of what God did and showed us through our time with Izzie. “I am Loved”.
I feel bad for having questions about God. Why do I cycle like that? But in the end I think it’s a good thing. Our adoption journey has opened some of those same wounds again.. ones that were created with our journey with Izzie. And even today I still need to process that yes God does love me and that yes He Cares and yes He is real. Even if I feel so very distant from Him at times and even if I even question if He is there, if He even cares or understands.
I’m wiping tears because on a random day in May… A year after this whole adoption process started… I get an envelope addressed to Wayfarer.. Attention Dave and Kim Rhodes. Just the site of the envelope brings tears to my eyes. Because it’s a reminder of God’s love to me in our journey with Frankie. Inside I have no words as I am once again blown away as God has laid it on someones heart to help us. Many people have invested in our lives. In some ways I feel we are so undeserving. But in a very real way today, God is once again very randomly with no specific rhyme or reason, giving my heart tangible evidence that yes Kim, I AM real and yes Kim, I AM a god that loves you and yes Kim I AM a God who is using my people to radically impact your life. And Yes Kim, YOU ARE LOVED.