I don’t know why I do this to myself. I just got on a site that always drives me to tears. If you have time feel free to visit haiti nurse It has torn me up many times I visit. I think I go there for reality checks. I always walk away from Lori’s journals with new perspective on any situation that I may be in. And I have come to some realizations these past few weeks about adoption…. or at least I think I have.

One is that I realize that not everyone has a passion or a heart to have a child in their home that is not biological. A friend recently pointed that out to me. I am just under the understanding because of my own desires that all people feel that way. And they don’t. Which is not sad or wrong but it has really confirmed to me personally my heart to adopt. I think it is really about a family mission for me. I want our family to live out what we preach. And the biggest tangible ways I feel we as a family can do this is to open our home and to love someone enough to call them ours. It seems so natural to me. I can’t grasp the logistics of the process of how all of it will happen but I can constantly visualize the end game.

I also am realizing that I have a huge desire to help a child that is in specific need of not only a mom and dad and a home… but in need of life. In need of food. In need of rescue. I think that is why Haiti is so heavy on my heart. I have been to Haiti and feel connected to that country but I also can remember the smell of poverty there. I can remember the children with bloated bellies from malnourishment. Maybe that is why Lori’s site hits me so hard. It’s like I am back there and not knowing what to do or how to help them when I read her stories or dare to look at her pictures. There are children there who are orphaned not just because a mom or dad does not want them (although that is the case for some) but more for the reasons of their parents have died from disease or aids. Or their parents could not feed them food to survive. I want those children. I want to bring them to my home and feed them and lavish food on them.

Then my mind wanders to other places. Would a child from Haiti feel comfortable in our home. Would they look to me as a mom and see past my stark whiteness? Would our community and society allow someone with such dark skin feel like they belong? Would they want to be with us? Would they be able to transition and live an abundant life here in the United States? These are questions that I ask myself especially when you talk about adding someone to your family that is so different from everyone else in appearance. Crazy I know but we all know our society is not a very accepting one….

So these are my thoughts. There are children out there who need us. They need food to survive almost more than they need a mom. All of this to say, I really think I am fleshing out the details of our next steps in adopting. Almost every day I think how can I handle another child in our home. Two has really done a number on me and to be honest, some days I feel like my girls are all I can truly handle or want to handle. Then the Lord gently opens the crack in the door even further and is constantly reminding me that there is a journey that we are to be on. The details are very vague at this point and time but as each day goes by there almost seems to be this mist of clarity that pokes through here and there.

I really think we will be heading to Haiti. I am really starting to believe that there is a little boy there… yes I believe it’s a boy that is looking for food. He’s looking for our family to find him and bring him home. So to my future son… we are coming. I just don’t know where to start looking for you…..