Dave is home, the girls are asleep, my house is clean, all is well with the world… or is it? Today has been a day of constant thoughts for me. Started out with my lack of motivation to go to church so I visited Bedside Baptist. It’s so bad. I get a lot of my inspiration from Engage on Tuesday nights so I don’t feel like at the end of the week God is not showing something to me through corporate encounters with Him. So I don’t feel too bad for missing. I thought I might have more to say about that but Dave assured me that I didn’t.
I’ve thought a lot today about worship and why it is that the only place I feel my soul totally free to worship is while I’m belting out singing in the car. It perplexes me. Why can’t I just worship free in corporate times of worship without feeling like people are looking at me or that I am looking at someone else wondering if they really are that in tune with the spirit by their outward actions or is it all a show and they are missing it. I so long to be free but always feel hindered.
I’ve been mad a bit today too thinking about why God has not brought an “Older and Wiser” woman into my life when it seems like I so desperately plead for that. What is wrong with the older generation above me that thinks they have nothing to offer us younger woman. I’ve desired this my whole life and still there is no one to fill that void. And now I have become that older person that needs to be mentoring the 20 year old in their journey. But I feel so ill prepared. Will I ever feel like I have something of value to offer the younger generation woman when those needs have not been personally met in my own life?
And then there is the heartbreaking thoughts I’ve had today of woman who like me a year ago are longing to have more children but just can’t seem to conceive. They sit there watching other people come and go through the process and yet their hearts desires remain so vulnerably open. I don’t know what to say to them. Sitting on this side of a miracle in my own life I can’t understand why I was delivered but they are still waiting.
And I still can’t get past the fact that Rick Ousley… our former pastor and mentor to my husband has been living a lie for so long. The media broke news on Friday and it has been so interesting to read all the blogs that people have on it. If even part of any of what they are saying is true… It’s unimaginable. And it makes me wonder how many of the people that I know are living a lie of their own? My one friend told my other friend that all she knows that is true that she personally is not having an affair. And I must agree with her as to how I feel is that all I know is that I am not having an affair or hiding behind any kind of terrible sin. Because I would hope by now that I could say that no one in my community is in that position but I would not be that bold to say that anymore because apparently people hide so much crap.
So yes I did not go to church today but I think I was needing to be thinking about some things today. I hate to be so vulnerable in a blog but at the end of the day does it really matter? One thing in life that I don’t ever want to do is be fake or be living a lie. And this is my way of expressing myself.
So throw all of that into a blender and try mixing it up and see what you come up with… (my friend shared that thought with me too)
Tomorrow… a start to another day… another mistake, another lie, another accomplishment, another passion full filled. You decide. But for today and the days to come I know that My heart is spoken for and because of that I will do my best to make the most that I can of tomorrow with all that I have been given.